Wednesday, January 18
on and on and on and on.oh well so. these strange feelings that i get nowadays. which involves a lot of guilt. like that day i was in e school library, looking through a bunch of books on famous composers. then suddenly the library phone rang and for a split second i had a vision that it was my mum calling up to find me to maul me for something, and i actually almost panicked. i use that word so much these days. maul. i dont know why i felt that way, i think im turning paranoid. i dont even know why.
i guess a massive guilt attack plus two entire days of reflecting on all the things i feel guilty about has a serious effect on me in general. kuz i really cant shake it. im doing work thats due MONDAY, for goodness' sake, and visiting EViL everyday but somehow its still hanging there. like i've committed a sin so huge that nothing can save me from judgment. and for only once in my entire life so far, reading the Bible doesn't help me to calm down, relax, or anything.
dammit.
i hate feeling guilt. right now its attacking really badly, kuz its so silent except for the whirring of my fan. i really wish it'd rain, i love midnight rains, and they make so much noise and make me feel someone's there to listen.
gosh.
well on a lighter note, schools been great and i've survived perfectly fine. today, after school and decorating a bit, WE FINISHED THE NOTICE BOARD WOOTS! then jasmine & i went to bukit timah plaza, the place outside ntuc where theres a TINY food court with like 4 stalls i think. sat there and talked. it was a very broken conversation, like not active talking, but i really enjoyed it muchly.
the blander a person's expression is, the more secrets they're hiding. something jasmine said when i asked her if she felt that i have a secret life or something. and she says my expressions ARE very bland. like no expression, basically.
i dont know if im hiding secrets or not. firstly, i've nothing to hide. secondly, if i've nothing to hide, then why do i put on a placid expression? thirdly, if by some random chance i have secrets to hide, putting on a blank face doesnt make it any less obvious. fourthly, who do i need to hide secrets from anyways.
im turning too angsty for my own good, so DARN IT ALL and have a nice day!
i was green-ed at 10:18 pm
